you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
