Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Randomize
