you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
