Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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