Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
