The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
