I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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