The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
