I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
She's the barista slut.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
