It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
