I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
is that a dick in a sweater?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
