i love accidental penises.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
