you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize