I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
