she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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