Whoa Z and x make the same sound
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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