I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
