Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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