Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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