did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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