i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
