Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
