Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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