Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize