Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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