Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
And my parents said I crawled through the house
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
