No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
