in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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