Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
