wanna go halves on a baby?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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