The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
