Define "chronic" masturbator.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
