My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
