it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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