Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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