I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize