can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
