Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Can you bring me the toilet please
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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