got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
