you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
he was CRYING into my vagina
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
