this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
