Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
