College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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