I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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