so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
