It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
