The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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