2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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