I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
