I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize