After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize