I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Randomize
