Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
