If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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