____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
