Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
two words: eviction party
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Randomize
