Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
