I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
