you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
