I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
