There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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