he puts the penis in happiness.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
