If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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