I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
