apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I forget how to act sober
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
