Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
