She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
soo... how was my night?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
