I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
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