You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
