The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
