Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Who died my cat blue again?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
