did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
