Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
