grandma shit on top of the toilet
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
